In a season of curves, nips, cinches, and ties, the tent coat appeared briefly on the spring 2006 runways, screaming like a colicky child during a romance film: “Look over here! I’m a giant swath of fabric hanging from your shoulders! You said you wanted mod. You said you wanted fluidity. So check me out!” Well, tent coat, there’s just one problem with you—you give a singular shape, and it’s fat. Even über-skinny übermodels look corpulent in this season’s answer to fashion’s enduring question: What do you get when you cross an A-line shift with a curtain?

What do we plebeians (albeit sexy, sexy plebeians) do with the tent dress? We revolt against its tyranny of amorphism and demand that our spring cover follow the will of the female form. This year all sorts of waist-makers have fallen from the heavens upon us. Sexy cinched trenches, belts, and sashes have been gracing the runways for the express purpose of curtailing the damages that could be brought on the feminine figure by this tented trend. For stick figures who wish to brave the storm, remember to show lots of leg, break out the chunky heels, and pile on heaps of mod makeup. The curvier and shorter shall stick with the many other styles this season has to offer—this fad is not for us. —Eliana Meirowitz

Funky or just chunky?: Marc Jacobs's Ivory Double-Breasted Oversize Overcoat